The Adventures Of The Demented And The Deranged
by Panda551998
Summary: The full Akatsuki are back! After the 5th nin.war the akatsuki were revived and now the Akatsuki want to recruit "lackies" to help them with their catching of the jinchurickis.But what will happen when the ragtag group of bandits they want to recruit, want to kill them and take the name of "Strongest criminal organization" for themselves?CRACK and Ocs. And pure craziness.
1. Chapter 1

The full Akatsuki are back! Its been 5 months since the End of the 5th great ninja war, and through a "miracle" the Akatsuki under Edo Tensi have been revived! In one more month the peace treaty between the Akatsuki and the 5 nations will end, so the Akatsuki want to recruit "lackies" to help them with their catching of the jinchuricki. But what will happen when the lackies the Akatsuki had in mind, want to kill the Akatsuki and take the name of "most feared criminal" for themselves?

**PROLOGUE FOOLS! This doesn't have anything of utter importance in it, so you can skip this and head to the next chapter if you want to get to the plot. I wouldn't suggest it though. Yeah. Bye. **

Prologue

In completely black room, 10 criminals lurked, planning a mission to dethrone the most feared criminals in all 5 nations and taking their title for themselves.

"Operation 'Take out Akatsuki' briefing, start… NOW" Voice 1 announced.

"Can we turn on the lights… It doesn't have to be pitch black to have secret meeting." Voice 2 asked Voice 1

"NO!" Voice 1 yelled at Voice 2, "We must have all the lights off. So shut up and stop complaining."

"You fool!" Voice 3 yelled at Voice 2, "How do you question Chief! You will pay for that!" And Voice 3 leaped in the general direction of where Voice 2's had spoken from.

"OW! HEY, YOU HIT ME INSTEAD!" Voice 4 yelled

"Foolish mortals." Voice 5 hissed from his place in the room.

"You are mortal to." Voice 6 pointed out to Voice 5

"AM NOT! I AM GOD!" Voice 5 bellowed

"ALL OF YOU SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL AND PUT YOU INTO A STEW TO FEED TO GRUMIO!" Voice 1 yelled

Voice 7, otherwise known as Grumio, grunted excitedly at thought of getting a stew, as the rest of the group settled down as much as they could in the pitch black room, listening to the general area where Chief/Voice 1 was standing.

"Now these," a light shown down from the ceiling, illuminating a wall that had the pictures of all the Akatsuki members on it, "People, are a nuisance to our way of living." Chief started pacing. "We live a simple life of stealing from the 5 hidden villages, and pawning off whatever we steal to other people. This life of stealing, has been a goal for all of us criminals, and outcasts, since the DAWN of time."

CRASH. Chief fell to the floor, where he/she got up and brushed himself off, and then continued to speak, pretending as if his fall had never happened, while his/her lackies were respectfully silent.

"And then these people come along, with their hooligans views, of taking over the world, pushing all of us criminals with less psychotic views, into the dark. These people don't even understand, the basics of being criminals! They think its just about killing people, and ruling everything, but its not. It's about doing things that are just plain morally WRONG!"

"It's a good thing that none of us here have morals, otherwise this would sound horrible." Voice 2 muttered from the blackness.

"Except for those two of course." Voice 8 laughed.

"Hey are you talking about me?" Voice 6 yelled

"I like having morals." Voice 4 whispered

"Duh. Who else would we be-" Voice 8 was cut off by Chief throwing a book at Voice 8, knocking him/her (**A/N: Hiding most of their genders for now. Don't worry all shall be revealed in next chap.)** to the floor.

"Silence. Yourselves. Before I rip out your vocal boxes and make myself a necklace out of them." Chief snarled, then continued on,

"Anyway, the world needs to be reminded of us criminals who are out here still, just hiding in the shadows, waiting for our chance to shine. So! We, the… What are we called again?"

"The birdbrains." Voice 2 said

"The Takedown the Akatsuki." Voice 4 suggested

"The Gluttons." Grumio called out

"The .  
said Voice 8

"NO! We should be called the Happy Ones!" Yelled Voice 9

"The subordinates of our OH SO WONDERFUL CHIEF!" Voice 3 called out enthusiastically

"Correction Nicro," Voice 5 called to Voice 3, also known as Nicro, "You are the SLAVES OF ME, YOUR GOD!"

"SILENCE ALL OF YOU! We will have a meeting for our name later, but for now all that is needed to be known is that WE are going to TAKE DOWN the Akatsuki!" Chief yelled triumphantly

Cheifs passionate speech ending was met with half-hearted clapping from Voice 2 and 4, while Voice 3/Nicro and Grumio clapped whole-heartedly.

"Can we turn on the lights now? Voice 9 asked in a whiny voice tone, that got a book thrown at him/her.

At the Akatsuki's Hideout

"What the fuck is going on already Leader? Why the fuck have you called all of us here, you shit head?" Our favorite Jashinist yelled angrily.

"Shut. Up. Hidan." Kakuzu hissed at his white haired partner.

"Hell no! Not until this motherfucker tells me-" Hidan's rant was cut off as Kakuzu's tentacles began to strangle him.

"Why are we here, uhn. You said today we could have the day off. I was making a badass sculpture, uhn." Deidara asked the orange haired man at the head of the table that the Akatsuki was seated at, the rest of the Akatsuki backing up his question with inquiring glances at their orange haired leader.

"We are gathered here, because we have a new goal," Leader began before he was interrupted by Kisame who said

"I thought the new goal was the old goal. Gather all the jinchurickis, and then use them to control the 5 nations."

"And I thought we were going to be much carefully this time, because last time we all died. The only reason we are alive now is because of the miracle that we were revived completely while we were under control of Edo Tensi" Sasori commented

Kisame and Sasori fell silent at Leaders glare while he said "That is correct, and since the 6 month neutral treaty between us and the 5 nations will be over in a month we are going to… recruit… more members."

"Recruit?" Suigetsu called from where Taka was sitting at the end of the table.

"More of scare into joining I'm sure." Kabuto commented dryly.

"_I think Kabuto means more of, threaten them and if they say no, we kill them_._"_ Zetsu's dark side said snidely.

"And eat them?" Zetsu's light said asked excitedly.

"_Yess… we shall eat them."_ Dark Zetsu responded, both of them smiling evilly.

"HELL YEAH! LET'S GO KILL SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!" Hidan ,who had been released from Kakuzu's grasp, bellowed, grabbing his red scythe in excitement, and taking a few practice swings.

"So we are recruiting lackies to die for us and help us with our dirty work. We don't have to pay them right? Let's just find idiots like Tobi who want to join for free." Kakuzu said, his hand resting possessively on a pouch of money hanging inside of his cloak.

"Tobi is not a idiot! Tobi is a good boy! That wasn't very nice Kakuzu-sempai!" The bi-polar Uchiha stood up, slamming his hands onto the table and leaning across the table so he could stare down at Kakuzu, who stared up at him blankly.

"SILENCE! Tobi! Sit down!" Leader yelled. Tobi obediently sat down, with mutterings of, 'Tobi is a good boy so Tobi will do what Leader-sama says…'

"And the rest of you… We will be recruiting a group of rouge bandits who live in the Old Forest in the Outlands."

"Why the hell are we going all the way to the motherfucking outlands? That place is just a bunch of fuckin ruins of that old fallen nation of shitheads." Hidan yelled at the leader.

"I agree with Hidan. Surely there are other possible recruitments that don't live so far away. We were planning on finishing our original plan as soon as possible." Itachi spoke up from where he was sitting between Kisame and Sasuke.

"It would take at least a week to travel there, and who knows how long it would take to find them." Jugo added. The whole Akatsuki looked at leader, who had been sitting at on his seat, listening to the Akatsuki's opinion. He glanced around the table and the whole room was silent, until…

"What the hell? Are you gonna say anything or are you gonna just sit there like a prissy little bitch?" Hidan snapped.

There was a sickening sound as one of Leader's rods was thrown across the room, and was impaled into Hidan's forehead. The Akatsuki glanced at Hidan, then back at the fuming Leader, whom was now standing up, and staring at Hidan with murderous intent in his eyes.

"If they join willingly then we will pay them as we do all of our members." Leader began, his voice trembling as he tried to keep himself calm, "And we will travel to the outlands, because it will not take us long to find them, because they will come to us."

"Why would they do that?" Karin and Kabuto chorused together, and then they glared at each other.

"Because they want to kill us." Leader finished, and then he stood up and stormed out of the meeting room.

"Class dismissed then." Konan muttered, standing up and following Leader out, as the rest of the Akatsuki following suit.

**So. What did y'all think. I actually liked it. :D **

**Anyway, this is set after the 4****th**** ninja war if y'all didn't find out. The Akatsuki/people under Edo Tensi were revived by a "Miracle" (more on that later:D) and they are all apart of the Akatsuki now. Kabuto, the original Aktsuki (minus Orochimaru) and Taka. **

**Yay. I won't ask for reviews since this is the prologue… Instead I'll ask, **

**PLEASE READ THE NEXT CHAPTER! **

**Yayz. **

**Panda-Chan is out! :D **


	2. Chapter 2

Recap: the full Akatsuki are back! Its been 5 months since the End of the 5th great ninja war, and through a "miracle" the Akatsuki under Edo Tensi have been revived! In one more month the peace treaty between the Akatsuki and the 5 nations will end, so the Akatsuki want to recruit "lackeys" to help them with their catching of the jinchuricki. But what will happen when the lackeys the Akatsuki had in mind, want to kill the Akatsuki and take the name of "most feared criminal" for themselves?

**Hope that was a good summary. 0.o The app pages on the iphone is so awesome. I can edit/write wherever I go now! :D**

**Chapter 1**

A ragtag group of 10 bandits, were just on the outcasts of the Old Forest, in the fallen Sky Nation. They were waiting for a signal, so they could attack the Feudal Lord from the Land of Rice, and his ridiculous caravan of beautiful carriages.

"Chief. The target is in my sight." Arianna Yuko whispered through her headset.

"Good" The 24 year old leader of the bandits responded. "Valeria, are you in place?"

"Yes. I'm ready." the 24 year old girl responded to Chief, from where she was hiding behind a tree on the edge of the right side of the road.

"Everyone else?"

A chorus of 'readys' met Chiefs question.

"Okay. Valeria, move out."

Valeria, her pretty pale face covered by a black hood, slipped out from behind her tree and stumbled out into the middle of the road-seemingly wounded-right in front of the two guards leading the procession.

"Woah!" The guards both yelled, yanking on their horses reins, pulling the animals to a stop, the rest of the carriages stopping in suit.

"Miss! I must ask you to move out of the way! We are escorting the Feudal Lord's tax collector back to The Land of Rice!" Valeria didn't move. Instead she peered up at the man, and then glanced over in the general direction of where Arianna was hiding, her eyes questioning what she should do.

"Dammit! This is bad!" Chiefs second in command, Arlo hissed through his microphone. "We were aiming for the Feudal Lord not his brown-nosing lackey!"

"But the tax collector has all the Feudal Lord's tax money. This would be as good as anything else. Maybe we could even give some back to the people!" The kind hearted boy-21 year old Abasi Shoto-whispered back.

"How much of a wimp are you? Aren't you suppose to be a man?" the blind Earth Ninjutsu master known as Paige yelled through her microphone at Abasi, who cringed at her assulet"We don't just settle for less! And we don't give away our hard worked for money! We should take what we want when we-"

"Valeria, pretend to faint." Arianna ordered, and Valeria obeyed, all 5 foot 3 inches of her crumpling to the ground.

"And you guys, shut up," Chief snapped, "Or else I will cut branches from this tree and shove them up y'all asses." The bandits fell obediently quiet.

Rider 1 got off his horse and ran over to check on Valeria where she was laying on the ground. He rolled her over, and then called to his partner to come help him move her into the bushes.

"What kind of assholes are they that they would just throw a girl's body into the bushes? Arlo muttered.

"Assholes on the Feudal Lord's payroll." Paige responded from where she was laying under a bush in the ditch on the left side of the road.

"Shut it you two. Arianna, take the shot. Everyone else, move out." Chief ordered

"Got it." Arianna pulled out a scroll and summoned out of it a bow and arrow. Then she did a few quick handsigns and whispered "Water-Wind jutsu, Ice Arrows." Then she drew her bow, loading 3 arrows on it, and releasing them. They went flying through the tree were she was sitting and each severed the harness on the 3 carriages. The horses neighed loudly, and bolted for the woods, while the carriage's drivers started shouting in confusion.

Then the action kicked in. Grumio, the biggest of the bandits, burst out of the woods running toward the carriage and then pulling back his arm… and WHAM he crushed the door in, reaching in and grabbing whatever rich, spoiled brat that was in there, and taking all of his money. The riders up front noticed what was going on, and turned away from Valeria. As soon as their backs were turned, reached into her cloak and grabbed two short knifes, using the flat end of their blade to knock the riders to the ground.

The rest of the guards realized that they were under attack and started to form a semi-circle around the carriage last in line.

"Stella, do your thing!" Chief ordered to a young red head to her right, while Cheif burst out of her hiding place, heading towards the second carriage.

She stopped just outside of the carriage door and grabbed her long black sword that was tied to her back, pulling it out of its sheath and slicing open the door, and then holding the sword tip to the richly dressed man inside.

"Who… who are you?" The ridiculously obese man stammered out, his bald head glistening with nervous sweat.

"You don't deserve an answer. I want to know who you are though." Chief said lazily, glancing at the man with a disgusted expression.

"I… I am the feudal Lord's tax collector!" the man licked his lips nervously, while Chief's thin brown eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Wait… If you are the tax collector… Who are the men protecting in the last carriage?" she snapped, pressing the sword against his neck.

"The… Feudal Lord?" He said his staring at the Chief with fear in his eyes. Chief's eyes got really big and then she started yelling into her headset

"Vicro! Vito! Arlo! Break through the last carriages defense circle! The Feudal Lord is in there. And as for you…" She turned her gaze toward the shaking man. "Take off your clothes. I want them." The man's jaw dropped, but when the Chief's purple eyes narrowed at him, he started stripping as fast as he could and shoved his clothes into her arms, until he was wearing nothing but pink boxers.

"Your money to." Chief snapped, and he gave her those to, "These clothes are too big for me… maybe I could give them to Grumio.." she muttered to herself as she turned away from the shaking man and headed toward the 3rd carriage where Vito, Vicro, and Arlo, 3 of the males in the bandits ragtag group, burst out of their respected hiding places in the trees and started killing the men protecting the 3rd carriage.

Vicro was 5'8, with a obsession with scythes, and he wielded one while laughing manically, his shoulder length black hair waving around as he spun in circles, knocking riders off their horses.

Vito, was a master of hypnotism, but had very good taijutsu as well, and was just using his fist and legs to break limbs and leaving the men immobile.

Arlo was 5'10 with short blue hair, and he uses short daggers to slice people open, and make their internal organs fall out. Which he had just done. Between the three of them, the guards had been killed quickly, and now the boy's were gloating.

"Foolish mortals should have never messed with YOUR GOD!" Vito yelled, doing some sort of war dance that looked a lot like the hooky pocky around some of the dead bodies, while Arlo smirked in agreement, while adjusting his glasses smugly.

Chief headed towards the door of the carriage, and yanked it open, exposing the cowering Feudal Lord.

"I'll give you whatever money you want… just don't hurt me!" The cowardly man yelled, covering his face with his hands. Chief sighed, annoyed at his weak willed-ness, and glanced around quickly to take inventory of her comrades.

Arianna was still sitting in her tree, her bow strung and ready unless anyone needed backup, while Paige was in the bushes still, since she was unneeded in this raid.

Stella, the youngest and smallest of the bandits, was running from carriage to guard, and taking anything of worth that the rest of the Bandits may have missed.

Vito was still doing his war dance and screaming about being God, and Vicro was watching Chief obediently, waiting for his next order.

Arlo was still adjusting his glasses, and Grumio was sitting on some man, gorging himself on some food he had found in a cart drawn by a donkey.

Abasi, the youngest male, was cowering in the trees, and Valeria, the girl who had been the bait for the guards riding in front of the procession, was sitting Indian style on the two unconscious men she had baited, and then knocked out.

Chief glanced back to the Feudal Lord and ordered

"Give us all your money. And strip."

**A/N: Definitely wasn't the best beginning/intro but the next chapter will be in someone's P.O.V and will be better. NOW to finish up this chapter…**

Akatsuki's P.O.V.

Pein, Kisame, Itachi, Sasori, Deidara, and Konan were running through the trees, and toward some lackeys they were going to recruit.

"Hey do you guys see something down there, Uhn?" Deidara asked as he saw someone… hanging from a tree?

The Akatsuki all dropped to the ground and saw 3 extremely fat men who were wearing nothing but their boxers, tied up by their ankles and hanging on a branch that was groaning and creaking from their weight.

"Well that's disgusting." Kisame commented.

"Perhaps we should cut them down. I believe they are causing that tree a lot of pain." Konan commented.

"PAIN IS GOOD!" Pein shouted evily, and then, ignoring the strange looks from his comrades, he strutted toward the 3 men. "Who did this to you?"

"A group of bandits who live in the Fallen Sky Nation… They jumped us…" Whined the shortest one.

"A group of bandits… they could be the ones we are looking for." Sasori said.

"I am a Feudal Lord… If you cut me down and take me back to my place I will pay you handsomely." The fattest one said, his voice thick with pleading.

Pein snorted, annoyed with the men's pleading. And then he said

"Let's go Akatsuki. The bandits must be close by." And with that they left the men crying in the woods, strung up to die.

Akatsuki's Base

"This is stupid! Why couldn't we go to help kill the shitheads?" Hidan yelled angrily. Kabuto, who was sitting in the large living room area of the base, slammed shut his book and stood up to tell off the Jashinist.

"BECAUSE you idiot! If you went, you would kill them all, if Kakuzu went he would kill them all so he doesn't have to pay them, if Zetsu went he would eat them all, and Taka is here to make sure you idiots do as told and leave after we get the message from Pein!"

Hidan rolled his eyes and griped "I don't see why it matters if I go, I won't be any worse then that blonde shithead. He's just going to blow them all up. And besides, why couldn't you go then asshole?" He addressed the comment to Kabuto, who started to push up his glasses,

"Well you see-"Kabuto was interrupted by Suigetsu who said,

"Kabuto couldn't go because everyone hates Kabuto. And if he went there is no way in heaven or hell those people would join us." Kabuto opened his mouth to protest, but was again interrupted by the plant/man coming up from the floor and asking

"_If no one likes Kabuto…" _

"Can we eat him…." Zetsu's two parts finished each other sentence, and once Suigetsu gave them the nod, they started chasing him through the hideout.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" The bi-polar Uchiha ran through the hideout, waving a pair of… Uchiha boxers? Suigetsu wondered in the back of his head if they were Tobi's, or Sasuke's… and then he saw Karin chasing after Tobi, yelling at him to give her back Sasuke's boxers. She had apparently stolen Sasuke's underwear again.

"And of course Tobi couldn't go because he's annoying as Kabuto." Kakuzu added from where he was sitting on the other end of Suigetsu's couch, counting his money.

"Of course." Both Suigetsu, and Jugo, who had just come into the room and overheard the last part of the conversation agreed.

"By the way, A letter came in from Pein addressed to Sasuke… but he has shut himself in his room and won't come out… I think he's sewing the Uchiha symbol onto his new boxers since Karin stole his old ones…" Jugo trailed off as Kakuzu rolled his eyes, and snatched the paper from Jugo, and started reading it. And then he stood up and told Hidan,

"Announce to everyone that Pein has ordered us to leave immediately and head to the Fallen Nation."

"Why do I fuckin have to?" The Jashinist grumped.

"Because no one else here is loud enough?" Suigetsu muttered.

"Shut up jackass," Hidan snapped at Suigetsu, "HEY ASSHOLES! LEADER SAYS TO HEAD OUT TO THE FALLEN SHITHEAD NATION! GET YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASSES UP AND LET'S GO ASSHOLES! MOVE DAMN IT!"

"Good job." Jugo said, as the rest of the Akatsuki came out of their respective hiding places, Karin stuffing a pair of boxers into a bag hanging on her waist.

"Let's move out." Kakuzu said and the Akatsuki did so.

**A/N: I swear I don't have an obsession with Uchiha boxers. **

**SO. The P.O.V's will be from the 5 bandit girls different points of views from now on, since they are more of the main characters and the boy bandits are more supporting. There will be occasion boy P.O.V's, and Akatsuki P.O.V's. Next chapter will be Stella's P.O.V… I think. Ahh HA! Maybe I'll do most of the chapter a girl's point of view, and the boy's can have a shorter P.O.V at the end of the chapter… we will see. BTW I AM A SUIKA SHIPPER! So some of the story (more of a side story) will be Karin maturing and falling in love with Suigetsu? Most likely. And I do have a plot line all planned out. SO PLEASE KEEP READING? I know this chapter wasn't super funny but I'll try to make the next one better. BTW there are 15 Akatsuki members, and 10 of my O.C's. A heck of a lotta people… -_- **

**And there will be a lot of Kabuto making fun of/teasing. I'm sorry but I have to do it. Sorry to all Kabuto fans. All 30 of you. love y'all. Please take it in good humor. **

**Haha. **

**Please review?**

**BYE!**

**Panda-chan is out! :D**


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